• Taking a term from the tech work world, “asynchronous communication tools” are tools that let you communicate without immediacy or being face-to-face.
• Examples: Texts and emails, yes, but we’ll focus on a wider variety: shared notes, to-do list tools, shared calendars, and collaborative spreadsheets, and more.
• What many couples don’t realize is how much thinking time and space is needed when sharing life admin. Async comms tools can help enable that.
• Many couples also struggle with follow-through and follow-up, and async comms help you keep the thread of conversation flowing and let you revisit details later.

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Consider the following situations where asynchronous comms tools could come in handy.

• A couple with kids, ages 38 and 40. After finally getting some dedicated time on a Sunday to tackle some decisions about schooling, finances, and one of their cars, they realize that one of them needs to do a bit of research to really enable a decision, and on a different issue, the platform they need to log into is under maintenance for the weekend. Now, all the decisions they were going to tackle need to be made through the rest of the week.
• A couple looking to buy a house. There’s a mortgage to get pre-approved for. Figuring out a real estate agent to work with. Identifying which aspects of a house are most important to each person. Researching homes and different pros/cons of homes in the price range. There are a lot of details and decisions to get in order.

While direct conversation is critical in both situations, no couple wants all their talking time focused on logistics. Texting is useful, but you can be sure putting everything in a text message isn’t ideal either.

There are several problems that async communication tools can help relieve:

• Time (especially “synchronous time”) is limited. Between work, after-work meetings, childcare, leisure time, exercise, and time to just be human together, most couples have very little time for “life admin dates.”
• It’s rare to have simultaneous energy. If time is limited, finding time when you both feel motivated to work on life admin is even harder. We all have different rhythms and cycles, so realistically, synchronous time is often when one person isn’t in the mood.
• Life admin talk or text has an emotional wake on your partner. If you’ve ever received a long set of texts about some life admin decision, you know what I mean by ‘wake.’ It can feel like a lot to respond to, even if it’s important and even if it’s time-sensitive.

The reason I’m borrowing the label “async communication” from the tech world is because I think it’s important to normalize the fact that as a couple, whether you realized it or not, you are collaborators. So, learning how to collaborate better and using time-tested practices may mean looking beyond your relationship a bit to realms of life like the workplace.

Importantly, relationships are also about love and care — not output for the sake of production and profit. So, I think how we use tools at home can and should look different than how colleagues use them.

So, why are async comms tools important?

When you look at the three problems I described above, you can quickly see where asynchronous comes into play:

• Couples need the ability to communicate across time.
• Couples need the ability to assess and reassess their life admin conversations when they have the energy and motivation to do so.
• A partner needs to have the ability to distinguish between when something requires their partner's immediate attention (like a text message) and when they just need to see it later (like a doc update or calendar invite).

A step toward distribution of labor

Many couples have a problem of unequal division of labor when it comes to life admin. When the main “doer” in the family needs something from their partner, it’s not uncommon for a new word to enter the household vocabulary: nagging.

Take nagging as a sign. It’s important because one person isn’t getting the help they need, and that communication—however annoying—can be key to getting help.

Asynchronous tools, when used well, can be one way to better divide up the work and mental load without as much communication thought of as nagging.

Two major categories of async tools: Active vs. Passive messaging

I like to categorize async comms tools into two broad categories, based on how they utilize our attention: Active vs. Passive

Active tools ping your attention in some way.

• Email
• Text, Messenger, Whatsapp
• An app with notifications turned on
• Calendar invitation

Passive tools allow information sharing, but rely on a person checking on it.

• Shared note or doc
• Shared collaborative hub, like Notion or Coda
• To-do list management tool
• Shared calendar

When couples decide when and where to use each type of communication approach, and which tools they’re going to use, they’re often on the right track to developing an approach to life admin that works well for them.

Not all “async comms tools” are made equal. A text message has its place alongside a range of other, less attention-grabbing tools. Let’s lay out several options drawing on examples from our most recent reviews on The Tools of Wayshaping. 

Differentiate your use of active communication tools.

Life admin involves detail. Some couples find it helpful to draw a distinction about when to communicate via email vs. text because of the way each feels. Email can feel more appropriate for long-form. Text can feel more immediate. But email can also feel more formal, so it’s important to establish preferences.

You could go a step further: Using a specific active communication app for life admin, so that you reserve text messaging for less serious updates.

Lean into passive tools when you don’t need to use your partners’ immediate attention.

Do you and your partner use collaborative docs or notes to keep running lists or shared context? Here are some options.

• ‍Google Keep (or if you prefer Apple, the Notes app)‍
  • You can share a doc with your partner and keep a running list that they can visit and revisit.
  • Great for: Ever-present grocery lists, agenda of life admin topics to discuss synchronously, and more.

• Google Docs
  
  • If you prefer bigger docs than small notes, Google Doc can be used for a similar purpose to Google Keep. It’s just a little less mobile-friendly.

Do you use a shared calendar? Is it magnetized to your refrigerator door? While people’s preferences vary on how to calendar, when you’re a couple, the value of a shared calendar that can be accessed from anywhere is pretty high. 

• Google Calendar (or Apple’s iCalendar or Outlook Calendar)
  • Google Calendar is popular because of the popularity of Gmail, but it’s also very easy to create shared calendars and let your partner have modify access to your own calendar. If you’ve never looked into these settings before, they can be a huge help.
  • Great for: Setting up reminders for each other, scheduling synchronous conversations, setting up long-term annual reminders

Have you considered putting your life admin work all in one place, so you never have trouble finding it? It takes a bit more habit formation for a couple, but using a tool like Notion can ultimately be a low-effort and powerful way for both partners to know where to look for life admin information.

• Notion
  • If you’ve never explored Notion, it’s an organizing and documentation tool that lets you easily create your own structure for important life information using interactive tables that you can reference back to.
  • Great for: Organizing and assigning tasks as a couple, storing long-term information like insurance details and lists of babysitter options, enabling comments and reminders for updating it

Finally, is your to-do list all in your head as a couple? If so, do each of you have the same mental to-do list? It’s rare for a couple to be completely on the same page about what’s necessary and important in life admin. One way to better capture what you need to do—and recognize who’s doing what—is to use a shared to-do list tool.

• Todoist
  • Todoist is a project management software that has family-friendly pricing, well-rated mobile apps, and doesn’t require a lot of setup. It can be used passively, or you can ensure you get mobile notifications and/or emails about key tasks.
  • Great for: Aiming to get all your to-do’s in a single place that everybody in the family can view and/or organizing projects of particular significance.

Any of these passive, asynchronous communication tools can be powerful ways to work together as partners in life. It may just take some acknowledgement that life requires organization, and using a tool doesn’t have to be a cold, work-like choice. Try using your next synchronous life admin chat to talk about how you could better communicate asynchronously.